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2005-01-21 - 7:10 p.m.

Song of the week: Poor Old Heart - Alison Krauss & Union Station.

"Time has changed me and left me full of doubt; and my heart may be lost, never to be found..."

It's days like today that I miss pot the most.

Not that today was especially terrible. It wasn't. I've been very busy at work, and while it's seriously cutting into my writing time, I feel like I'm earning my place there. Too bad I may have to give it up at any second.

Had a long talk with ML today about the whole sitch with mum. I derive some pleasure in feeling that she feels bad--she should. The one uncrossable line, the one unforgivable sin, even in a family so dysfunctional as ours. But there's no time to be angry. I am losing her, and so I find myself choking on this anger and betrayal even as I cram it deeper where it might be out of the way for a while.

I finally saw Irreversible. "Time destroys all things", it says...but I'm not sure that's really true. Time destroys nothing so much as the choices made within that percieved stream. If only she hadn't... If only he hadn't... if only they had...

The sum of all equations is either yes/0/open set or no/1/closed set.

This still comes to me as true, an epiphany as great as any I've had previous. One can be the emptiness of desolation or one can be emptiness waiting to be filled. It all depends on choice.

Once I was one, now I suspect I'm the other.

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