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2005-03-09 - 7:33 p.m.

Nothing interesting to say today.

Had a really bad dream yesterday. Well, no... I'm not sure if I can really call it a nightmare; most of it was very peaceful and just fine. Like most of my dreams, I don't know how to classify it at all, really.

It started out as something else; I was having a dream about being at an orgy, which--all things being equal--wasn't so bad. But then my back woke me up, really bad. So much for my hopes that fitness would fix whatever's wrong. I really need to get my medical card so maybe I can figure out what's wrong with me.

In any case, it was a really bad one; the kind of pain that always makes me want to kill myself, because I can't make it stop and it's just so bad, and I feel like it's never going to end. That I'll just keep having this pain forever. And of course, at 2am (well, at any hour) my mind turns to the paranoid and I start conjecturing about what's wrong.

Maybe it's my kidneys, maybe their failing. Maybe its a tumor; wouldn't that be ironic. My mom gets cancer and *I'm* the one that dies, prolly just after finishing Storm Moon (O gods, let it be AFTER finishing Storm Moon). Maybe I'm dying.

And then the naproxen kicked in and I went back to sleep. And dreamed that I was dying. Not horribly; I didn't feel any different really, I wasn't in any pain. I just knew I was dying, and that I only had a couple days left to live. My dad was there, and we were outfitting this van to go on some road trip and I was putting these blankets in the back of the van for me to lie on when I caught a look at my face in the glass and realized: This is it. This is my last road trip ever. I'm going to be dead in a few days, and after that, I'm never going to see my mom, or ML or Dustin, or Andre, or anyone ever again.

And the dying part didn't really bother me. It doesn't. Me and Death have looked each other in the eyes and maybe it didn't flinch, but I didn't either. Me and Death are okay.

But the never seeing them again part... There aren't even words. Which I guess tells me that my faith in an afterlife has become real shaky because I had no sense of the separation being temporary. Instead, I had only the sense of how LONG time is; a consciousness of the consequence of FOREVER, and that in all that length of Time or Non-Time, in all of forever, I would never see them again.

So of course, I started bawling my eyes out, hard enough that I woke myself up. And then there was all this FEELING that had no where to go, that sense of utter finality, and loss, and I started crying again, so loud and hard that I woke up Andre.

And I was okay. I knew it was just a dream, and that I was crying because the dream was sad. But it had to go somewhere, you know?

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