2005-03-06 - 10:20 p.m.
Had to rip out a bunch of knitting today. It's the front of the sweater, and there were just too many mistakes; things I know I would finger for forever after and regret.
I almost went back to scratch, afraid that I wouldn't be able to pick up all the stitches again, and only compound the problem, but after unravelling past the mistakes, I decided I could do worse than to give it a shot.
It struck me then; how much an irrational fear had once again crept in behind me when I wasn't looking. Intolerant perfectionist that I am, I used to rip out rows indiscriminately, fearlessly, confident in my ability.
I used to do so much fearlessly; golden years surrounded by a moat of terror, rational and irrational. I loved that time. I loved that feeling, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get it back or whether that was my ration, spent too quickly and too soon.