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2005-03-06 - 10:20 p.m.

Had to rip out a bunch of knitting today. It's the front of the sweater, and there were just too many mistakes; things I know I would finger for forever after and regret.

I almost went back to scratch, afraid that I wouldn't be able to pick up all the stitches again, and only compound the problem, but after unravelling past the mistakes, I decided I could do worse than to give it a shot.

It struck me then; how much an irrational fear had once again crept in behind me when I wasn't looking. Intolerant perfectionist that I am, I used to rip out rows indiscriminately, fearlessly, confident in my ability.

I used to do so much fearlessly; golden years surrounded by a moat of terror, rational and irrational. I loved that time. I loved that feeling, and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get it back or whether that was my ration, spent too quickly and too soon.

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