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2005-03-30 - 5:36 p.m.

It's been a while. Not, I suppose, that it really matters to anyone but me. This is not the entertaining side of me, I suspect. Too much of my erraticism spills across these pages, making them too hard to quantify, too difficult to interpret, too inconsistent to draw much in the way of readership.

Which is fine, since that's not why I went into this in the first place. As much as I would like to sometimes be a columnist and delight the masses, I live too much in my own head, and that's a hostile landscape to even me. I can't be responsible for tourists too.

But in any case, although I've been trying to keep up my author-self, it's been some time since I've had time/ opportunity/ leisure to check in with me (whoever the hell that is, because I still don't think we've established that).

Going through kind of a weird part of Storm Moon, one that takes me to expanses I really did not revisit, though I suppose it was inevitable that I would vacation on these mental shores at some point, especially given the origin of Storm Moon.

The disintegration of the friendship between me and Ada was cancerous and slow and (at least in retrospect) obvious. And though I did some crying over it (fifteen years of friendship--I think I'm entitled), at the end, I felt only numb and overjoyed to be free.

Then immediately after, there was all the sorting through everyone else's reaction: "Are you okay? Are you sure ?" and having to establish that yes , I was fine.

And really, I haven't thought much of it since.

But now Min is delving into the relationship between her and Zoe to try and remember why she should side with humans, to try and and remember that she is human. And the closest analog I have to that is the relationship that started it all--me and Ada.

Zoe isn't anything like Ada at this point, just as I'm nothing like Min, but we are the people that this fictional relatiohsip grew out of; illegitimate offspring, perhaps. And to illuminate one, I find myself having to go back into the other, and I'm having a strange time with what I find there. It's not what I expected.

Anger isn't all that surprising. I have lots of reasons to be angry at Ada, and it would prolly not surprise her to hear that I'm angry. Certainly she gave me enough reasons, over the years.

But I'm not angry for the reasons I think either of us would expect .

The visual I keep coming back to is a lightning struck tree, cracked to it's core. From the outside, it looks healthy, beautiful, but it's now exposed heart is hollow, a slime-filled darkness crawling with beetles, roaches, and maggots.

I keep coming back to the realisation: This was there all the time .

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