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2005-04-13 - 12:15 p.m.

This is a real and actual letter from Dear Abby, read on the Yahoo website this very morning:

DEAR ABBY: My mother came to help us when my wife, "Dana," was due to give birth. When Dana's water broke and her contractions started, Mom insisted that I take her shopping. She argued that deliveries take a long time, and she needed certain ingredients for a special meal. Dana wanted to go to the hospital. We argued back and forth, and finally Dana said: "Fine. Go. But come back as fast as you can."

Once we were at the mall, my mother said she also wanted to rent some movies. The short story is, we ended up spending a long time shopping. When we arrived back home, Dana was desperate. We drove to the hospital, and the doctor was annoyed that I had waited so long to get her there.

Dana delivered a healthy baby after three hours, but the doctor insisted that we should have arrived at the hospital earlier, and my wife agreed. I told Dana she should have been more assertive and demanded to be taken to the hospital. Who is right? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

Now, regardless of Abby's answer to Caught in the Middle, I have some MAJOR issues with this letter.

1. Why were your first words to this poor woman not: "Yes, dear, I'll get the car right now?"

2.Why was your IMMEDIATE answer to your mother not a 'hell, no!'? Did you not notice the giant puddle of water on the floor? Did the fact that this woman was about to bear your wussie offspring (and what a woman she must be) not have any impact on your Mommy Dearest fragmented psyche?

3. Quote: We argued back and forth... What was there to argue about, you big momma's boy? You're wife's water just broke. Why are we even discussing this? And barring that, when this limp noodle of a husband even started trying to argue the point, why did the wife not take a cab, calling her lawyer to start divorce proceedings along the way?

4. Quote:
The short story is, we ended up spending a long time shopping. Why?? Did you even think about your wife suffering in labor alone, at home?? Are you still so tethered by the umbilical that you couldn't even say, " I really think we should be getting back now" No, forget that--I'm still stuck on why this shopping trip was undertaken in the first place. Why are you HERE, jerkwad?

5. Quote:
I told Dana she should have been more assertive and demanded to be taken to the hospital. OK, if we had not ALREADY established that this guy is a world class lummox and ass, this sentence alone would have clinched it. She should have been more assertive, Mr. I-Can't-Say-No-to-My-Mommy? SHE should have? What she should have done is leave your dumb ass a LONG time ago. She DID demand to be taken to the hospital...or wasn't that what the argument was about? Were you somehow arguing about cleaning the cat box instead? Dirty dishes, maybe? If it wasn't for your whiny insistence that shopping for frillies with your precious iron BITCH of a mother took precedence, she would have BEEN at the hospital!

6. Quote: Who is right? Why do you even need to ASK this question, let alone write into Dear Abby? Husbands all over the world are suffering for your stupidity, man, let me tell you. Indignant wives and girlfriends will all brandish this immortalized fragment of stupidity at unsuspecting and innocent men, who--while I'm sure they have their own specialized issues--have done nothing wrong. Does that seem fair to you? Wait, wait...I have waxed so wroth that I forgot who I was talking to... I suppose the concept of "fair" is too large to fit into that bullet brain of yours, as are the concepts of "married", "sensitive", or "intelligent". I'm done with you Momma's Boy; I hope your wife is too. You and your Momma can be very happy together, shopping for your 'special meals'.

BTW, in case you were wondering, this is what Abby wrote:

DEAR CAUGHT: Your mother's ignorance and lack of sensitivity are appalling. Childbirth is painful and traumatic enough without adding the stress of a power struggle with an in-law. Your wife's wishes should have taken precedence over your mother's desire to go shopping.

Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight/gotta kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight
-"Lovers in a Dangerous Time"

"You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred." - Super Chicken

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